So hey I will attempt a funny fanfic. You may laugh more at the attempt than at the fanfic itself, but that's OK because at least I managed to add some laughter and brightness to your day :) enjoy

"This will be a two man mission. Saracen, we need you here because of your ability, and because everyone else was busy with more important stuff. Do try not to get too cosy with this one." Meritorious punctuated the last sentence with an exasperated sigh, as Saracen was known for having a way with people.
A few minutes later, a sandy haired man strolled through the door, smiling nonchalantly as if there wasn't a war on.
Saracen rose. Meritorious stayed seated.
"Saracen, meet Dexter. Dexter, Saracen."
Rue took a moment to observe him in all his glory. Wait, what? Where has that come from? The man with chiselled abs wasn't Glorio-. Wait. Chiselled abs? Saracen sighed, shrugged.
"Hey bae."
"Hey babe."
"Looking good there."
"You too, you work out?"
"Only on the weekend", Rue winked.
Meritorious looked up and nodded sagely.
"Yup. You're both insane. Out of my office."


"So what's the mission?" Vex asked as they got to the airport
"We're to break into a persons house and find Intel that they may have on Mevolents troops. However, it is in Spain, so I fully intend to sunbathe for at least a day."
Vex gasped, "Wait you're not saying we should shirk our responsibility are you?"
Rue stopped and stared. Vex stared back for a whole 3 seconds before snorting and cracking into a grin.
"Hahahah wooo let's go to the beach! Screw you Mevolent you don't scare me."
The two men in suits whooping down the corridors drew astounded looks from all sides, and many parents averted their children's eyes; though were not entirely sure as to why they felt this way.

"I'm bored." Rue winged for the fifth time in the two minutes they had arrived on the plane.
"No really? I hadn't fucking realised. I thought maybe you were just being sarcastic the first four times."
Saracen shrunk in his chair, and his head drifted downwards.
"Sorry.."
"No babe. Don't take it the wrong way, I'm not mad at you.." Vex said, reaching over Rues shoulder comfortingly, then digging his fingers sharply into a nerve cluster. Saracen hissed and jerked spasmodically.
"Gonna have to do better than that." Dexter laughed.
"Dammit." He muttered, scowling and assuming a hunched form in his seat.
"Oh you're sulking now? Mature."
"....."
"Really? Silent treatment?"
"..."
"Fine then. Two can pay at that game."
".........."
"........"
"......"
"...."
"........."
"....."
"......."
".."
"I'm bored."
"Say that again, and my fist will be so far up your ass..." He left the unfinished sentence dangling in the air between them. Vex looked at Saracen, daring him too. Saracen gazed back. He leaned in and went up to Vexs ear. His lips parted and the softest of whispers sounded.
"I'm. Bored."
"Right that's it come here."
A couple next to them looked over with horror and intrigue.
"Told you we should have gotten first class." The boyfriend muttered. The girl out a finger to his lips and got out her phone.
"Shh it's just getting interesting..."

"She seemed nice." Vex commented as they got into their room.
"Do I look 30 to you? She was rude and blind is what she was. And she had stolen £15 from the till." Saracen hissed.
"Well she was perfectly nice to me." Vex gloated.
"Shut up. I hate you so much right now."
"There there. Wait, how did you know she had stolen money?
"I just know things."
"Know things?"
"Yeah."
"How old am I?"
"I said some things. Often they're not particularly useful things"
"But how do you know those things."
"I just do." Saracen was grinning now, enjoying himself immensely at the sight of Vex's building frustration.
"But how do you?!"
"Magically."
"But how?!!"
Rue paused for a few seconds, took a deep breath, then gave Vex the finger. They paused like this for a second, then Dexter tacked him to the floor and promptly spent the next 10 minutes attempting to beat an answer out of him.

The sunlight sparked like diamonds on the waters edge, barely penetrating the deeps below, creating a visual wonder of nature at its finest. But it was ignored in favour of the ripped beast of a man laying on the beach.
"Damn." Rue mumbled, looking down at himself and cursing himself for eating that ice cream.
"So, you never said what your discipline was."
"That's right I didn't."
"Aww cmon stop being grumpy."
"No."
"You're no fun at all."
Vex sighed. "I'm an energy thrower."
"The Laser beam powers?"
"Yes, the laser beam power."
"Cool. So anyway,  you reckon we'll find Intel at this place?"
"Nah, you?"
Saracen shrugged, "You never know. But I'm gonna nap now."
He slept for about an hour, and awoke refreshed and awake in time to see Dexter coming up or of the sea followed by a menagerie of women.
"Oh for Gods sake.."

They arrive at the hotel room opposite the house of Luciana Scáth at roughly 3 o'clock. Saracen sat on the bed, unpacking a suitcase.
"Right we have 1 hour to prepare for what might await us at the house, so bring all your tools."
"And what sort of tools would they be?"
"Well didn't Meritorious give you a list of things to get?"
"Would this list have come in a letter?"
"I imagine so, why?"
Vex chucked nervously, " well you see I was running out of material to start my fire... "
Saracen pinched the bridge of his nose in an barely successful attempt not to punch Dexter in his ruggedly good looking face. He paused and looked up slowly.
"Aren't you an energy thrower?"
"Yeah wh- . . . . . . oh yeah." Vex stepped carefully away from Saracen.
"Well at least they should know now to make their letters fireproof..." Vex trailed off into nothingness as Rue once again attempted to quell the urges to inflict pain and violence upon Dexter. He wasn't so successful this time.

They arrived later at the house, entering through the back door. Rue gave an all clear as Dexter blasted the locks on the back by focusing his energy beams more precisely. The intricacies of security mattered little to these two.
"Right OK stealth is key." Saracen said, "We need to get into the vault hidden in the floor, but there are traps that set off alarms and symbols all around the door. So one again for your benefit, subt-"
Rue jumped to the side instinctively as red beams lit up the door, blasting it off its hinges and sending it hurling into the other room. He got up, took a moment to glare at Dexter, then glanced around for a trap to spring.
"Guess you were wrong" Dex commented smugly.
"No I'm never wrong."
"Well maybe you read the signs wrong or whatever."
"I'm telling you, I didn't."
"Well maybe -"
A deep, smooth voice sounded behind them,
"No, he didn't."
Saracen spun, then hissed in annoyance and scowled.
"Vampire. And here I was thinking we might have gotten away with it. Oh and Dexter?"
"Mmmmm?"
"You suck."

The vamp lay unconscious on the floor, a hole in the wall had appeared, and Saracen was whining again.
"You're paying for this." He said with a pointed look. "This was a brand new suit. I chose it especially because it was blue. And on offer."
"Look I'll buy you a new one."
"You'd better. Look at the claw marks on the edge here. No finesse whatsoever. All jagged and horrible looking. I thought vampires were meant to have class and sophistication."
Vex spoke patronisingly as he melted the locks on the steel safe door embedded into the ground.
"Well maybe he was due for his next manicure tomorrow."
"No need to be condescending."
"Well maybe if you didn't act like such a 6 year old..."
"Life would be no fun if I acted my age though. You done there yet? You're taking a long time. Maybe you're not as powerful as you think you are." Saracen joked.
"Yeah well you're definitely not as hot as you think you are."
"..... That was uncalled for"
"Sorry babe"
"It's OK you're forgiven"
They stared into each others eyes. Their beautiful, shinin- the door popped off its hinges and both men cleared their throats in an attempt to regain some manliness, but failed spectacularly. Saracen choked, and Vex swallowed a spider on the intake.

Meritorious looked up from his files only to find Dexter Vex and Saracen Rue panting in front of him.
"You said it was urgent?" Vex quizzed.
"Yes. You are going to be sent on another mission immediately. Rue, you're going with Anton Shudder to check on an enemy camp getting closer to our borders. Vex, you are too report back to the English sanctuary. Quickly."
Vex glanced at Saracen to see him doing the same. They nodded.
"And even as I wander.." Rue began,
"I'll be keeping you in sight." Vex continued as he held Rues hands in front of him.
"You're a candle in the window.."
"On a cold, dark winters night."
"Beautiful metaphor." Rue murmured.
Meritorious emptied his lungs into the room, "And I'm Getting Closer Than I Ever Thought I Miiiiggghhtt... To having to kick both your out-of-tune asses out of my fucking office if you don't stop singing."
"I can't fight this feeling any mooooooooore." Dexter and Saracen whispered in unison. All that either of them could remember about that day was being thrown out of a window in positions that no human had ever tried before. They became good friends after that, but Saracen grumbled whenever it was brought up and Vex always mentioned that he actually found it quite soothing until the floor met his face.

Well, that was an attempt and it took me a while to write. But hey, it was fun.